Thursday, August 13, 2009

A$$hole to Appetite


Why is it that the two things that men are most obsessed with about a woman are two of the major pains for women. Yep, I'm talking about "tits and ass". (henceforth referred to as T&A)

Women should get a base-line Mammogram at 35. I'm knocking on 39's door but have recently had an "issue" come up.

Wee bit of back story. I feel like crap. I hurt all the time. I'm exhausted all the time. My bones feel like wood being whittled away. I refuse to go to the Doctor. I refuse to complain. I refuse to look like a drug-seeker. I refuse to be poked, prodded, investigated, interrogated, jostled, nudged, stuck, punched, stirred, or even goosed for that matter. Sooo...

I start having horrible pains in my left boob (yes, I'm full of class) so because of a high family rate of Breast Cancer (and yes I know most Breast Cancer has NO pain affiliated with it) I decided it best to go see my Doc. I call...

Me: "Hi, my name is Lisa *****, can you tell me how long it's been since I had my last "physical"
Receptionist: "Somewhere right about the time the wheel was invented."
Me: "Ahhh that's right... well, I need to set up an appointment for a pap smear and and an overall T&A check"
Receptionist: "Curb your enthusiasm, we can get you in in about a month"
Me: "Awesome, I'm looking forward to it".

Now, let me tell you about this boob pain. It wasn't (read this as mono-tone as I'm saying it) "Wow, my boob hurts a little bit." It was, "Holy hell I am screaming my head off, grabbing my boob, stomping on the floor." and in public. NO matter where I was when the pain hit I had to yell out. There was no ability to stifle it. I knew no way I was waiting a month to stop screaming like an idiot in public and grabbing my left boob. Wish I had a nickle for every time someone thought I was having a heart-attack. Couldn't have been my right boob or anything!

I call back to my Doc's office.

Me: "Hi, it's Lisa ***** again, and my left boob is exploding off my chest and my nipple is more-than-likely going to fall off. I WILL take my bra off and my nipple will hit the floor soon. I should probably have her take a look at this asap."
Receptionist: "So you're having boob pain?"
Me: "uhhhh"
Receptionist: "We'll see you Friday".

Now, I am a very very modest person. So of course if I'm going to get pain it will be somewhere in the T&A area. For sure.

So I go to the Doc (and I do love my Doc) and she comes in the room.

Doc: "Hey Lisa... still smoke? (me: Yep) Still not taking Cholesterol meds? (me: Nope) Okay, we got that covered, so what's up?? (This is why I like my doc, no harping, but wants me to know she disapproves lol)
Me: "Left boob's blowing off my chest. Cool trick huh??"
(Insert image of Doc feeling me up at this point.. on second thought poke yourself in the eye with a pencil.. QUICK!! and get that image out of your head)
Doc: "When was your last mammogram?"
Me: "Officially a coon's age ago"

I told her I take a lot of OTC meds. She asked Why.. I said, because I hurt all over all the time. She asks what I take.. I said.."Excedrin back and body, tylenol arthritis, aleve, advil, tylenol pm and anything else I can find at the store that claims to help".

She says she's going to order my "yearly" (since I don't go yearly.. not so much) blood tests.

Mind you, I kinda feel blown off by her about whether or not the meds could be building up in system and maybe I'm doing the boob pain to my self. However, I let it go because I figure I can ask her more in 2 weeks when I go in for the lube and oil change.

I get a phone call Monday morning at work.

Nurse: "Hi Lisa, listen your Calcium test came back pretty high and Doc wants a repeat done ASAP.. can you come over now and do that??"
Me: "No, I work for a Doc too. I'll be over after work"

So I go in after work and the Phlebotomist used a Garden Hose to suck out more of my blood (seriously she should NOT be taking peoples blood)

They call me back Tuesday.. it's exactly the same, the first test wasn't a fluke.

I of course, google high calcium... and find Hyperparathyroidism.. OH MY GOD! Every freaking symptom belongs to me (and you too probably if you google it as well! lol) Then I read on that site. You should NEVER have high calcium (also, I hate milk and cheese so I'm certainly not picking up added Calcium in my diet) My Doc wants to wait a month and see what happens.

Umm okay.

Yeah, it sort of pisses me off. According to that site it says (and this is a quote) "If your Dr says, let's wait and see what happens.. find a new Doctor."

Argh. I went to school for a secondary education for what seemed like an Eternity. Constantly going back getting certified, (no comments from the peanut gallery on that one) making sure I knew enough to help people, and just enough to give my kids every disease known to man when they were sick. (Yes, sometimes knowledge is a bad thing) But I know nothing about Calcium. Except what I google.

I'll keep ya updated after I get another blood test done on Sept 3.

So there is a little lumpy dude in my boob. I have to go tomorrow for a diagnostic mammogram. I had to pick up my old films today to take with me to this "special" diagnostic place.

Pretty cool. My boobs fit in a little envelope. And here I thought I was amptly blessed! lol

Anyway.. that's my medical/life update.

Now, Just have to remember to remind my Doc on next Friday to take everything out when she's done with the "oil and lube job" so I don't clink when I walk and we'll be good!

Ohhhh btw.. fun thing to do next time you get your pap smear and your Doctor's arm is inside of you all the way up to her elbow (sorry fellas) cough and say, "Damn, Doc you're choking me". It's a good tension breaker! lol

Peaceout Girlscout!

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