Monday, October 20, 2008


Wow.. seems I haven't blogged in a long time! I've been so busy with Marching Band season and things like that. A quick update to that before I blog about my title.. we've done awesome! The kids made it out of Regionals and we are on to semi-state this coming weekend. These are amazing kids! I'll blog more about my band kids tomorrow or soon.

On to the title.. I've been thinking about dying a lot lately. No, I don't mean me personally. I guess Death would be more the title I should have used.

There was a band student from Concord schools (Elkhart IN) who went to bed one night, and didn't get up the next morning. A 17 year old boy who died of natural causes. Unreal. THAT is all parents worse nightmare, losing one of our kids. I don't understand and it saddens me to know that his mother has to live with "natural causes". That really wouldn't be an answer for me. Also here recently a 33 year old former band student from New Castle died. She had a seizure, and two young boys at home. A woman who's blog I have followed for several months passed away. Talk about an amazing woman! I highly recommend you go and read all of her blogs, she will change your life! I know you know the end of her book, but truly you should go and read each chapter from the beginning. Reading her blog changed my life, though I never met this amazing woman.

A girl that works in the same building as I do, and actually I consider her a friend has a father dying of pancreatic cancer. He is the same age as my father. 61. There is not an hour that goes by that I don't think of Jennifer. Her family. Her dad. It truly breaks my heart that she will soon lose her daddy. Maybe it's because I'm a daddy's girl, maybe it's because I remember as a little girl, I want to die before my dad, maybe it's because I still feel that way. I don't know. Maybe it's because Jennifer is an amazing, funny, beautiful, wonderful woman, and mother, and friend.

Her dad was sent home from the hospital on Friday, essentially to die. I spoke with Jennifer today about her dad's prognosis, and things of that nature. I told her, in some sort of way it's a blessing that he can be here to make his own final arrangements, music, funeral home etc. and it does truly take a lot of weight off of his family to do this. I think in a lot of ways it's an awesome last gift to your family. Jerry Newland is a father, a husband, a teacher, a friend to many. Neither of my girls had him as a teacher in middle school (he teaches middle school history) but he has been a patient where I work for many years, plus I've seen him around school for many years.

It's just not fair. I know I feel bitter about it for Jennifer, for her sister, for Jennifers son Wyatt, for Sheila, his wife. I feel like his time has been cut so short and he's dedicated so much of his life to his students and his kids and grandson. I hurt for Wyatt not having a grandfather passed his young age of 9. I hurt for Jennifer and Angela because I know what I would feel like to lose my dad. I hurt for his wife who spent years looking forward to the years they would grow old together and I mourn the years they won't have.

Truly, I don't know why her dad's impending death affects me so greatly, other than she's a friend and he's a great man, but it seems to be all I can think about.

I think about my own death, my own mortality. I want to be able to prepare everything myself as well. I sure don't want any damn organ music!!!!! Give me some Bruce, some Train, some Dobie Gray, but NO organ music! Have coolers of Pepsi, make a toast to me and raise your pepsi's high! Bury me in shorts and a t-shirt, and for gods sake don't bury me in shoes, if you know me you know I hate shoes!! I will seriously haunt you if you put my ass in a dress!

I suppose it's not death I fear, it's missing my girls, my family , my friends. It's not being there for all of those people. That's what I fear. I still need my mom. I can't imagine not needing my mom. I can't imagine my girls not needing their mom. I can't imagine being without them in any way.

I have a very unhealthy fear of something happening to one of my girls.. truly. It sometimes consumes me, and if I can't reach one of them via cell phone I immediately panic, I immediately know cops are going to show up at my door. I am on the verge of a panic attack. I am consumed, enveloped, and paralyzed with fear. Till finally I can breathe again when I can reach them. I hear sirens and I immediately call Ashton. If she's where she can hear them she answers, "I'm fine mom". No Hello, Just "I'm fine, mom". I still check to make sure they're breathing at night, I still cover them up, hell I still have to order Ashton's food and she's 18 years old! ha!

I'm a worrier by nature I know, but sometimes I wonder, is that even normal? The fear that lives inside me!?!

I suppose I should end this, but think about a couple of things, 1. Have you signed your organ donor card? Is it on your license? It should be! 2. The last thing you said to someone that you love, was it I love you? It should have been. One never knows.

Peaceout Girlscout.

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